How to Convince Your Spouse That Buying That 200-Year-Old Family Bible on eBay is a Sound Investment

Marc McDermott
First Published: | Updated: December 6, 2024

So, you’ve stumbled upon the Holy Grail of ancestral artifacts. A 200-year-old Bible on eBay, allegedly owned by your great-great-great-grandpa’s cousin’s dog’s previous owner’s milkman. It’s practically screaming your name in ye olde English!

Only problem? Your spouse thinks you’ve lost your marbles.

They’re giving you that look. You know the one. It says, “Have you finally gone off the deep end of the gene pool?”

Fear not, intrepid researcher! Here’s your ultimate guide to turning that skeptical side-eye into an enthusiastic high-five.

Or at least a reluctant nod of defeat.

1. Play the “But It’s Educational!” Card

Who needs Netflix when you’ve got 200 years of family drama bound in leather? It’s like a history textbook, but with more illegitimate children and questionable name choices. Learning is fun!

Pitch it like this: “Honey, imagine the educational value! Our kids will learn about:

  • 19th-century penmanship (aka indecipherable squiggles)
  • The fascinating evolution of name spellings (was it John, Jon, or Jhn?)
  • How many children people had before the invention of TV (spoiler: a lot)

It’s basically a degree in family history. We’re saving a fortune on college tuition!”

2. Emphasize Its Multipurpose Nature

It’s not just a Bible. Oh no, it’s a:

  • Fascinating read (for those who enjoy squinting at faded ink)
  • Stylish doorstop (nothing says “welcome” like 200 years of family history)
  • Emergency step stool (for those hard-to-reach ancestral skeletons in the closet)
  • Conversation starter (“Why yes, that is a 200-year-old Bible. No, I’m not obsessed. Why do you ask?”)
  • Impromptu weapon against home intruders (those genealogy gains will finally pay off)
  • Yoga prop (downward dog just got a historical twist)

See? It’s practically paying for itself! Who needs a Swiss Army knife when you’ve got a multifunctional family Bible?

3. Compare It to Their Hobbies

Time to play the comparison game. Remember, it’s not about winning. It’s about making your hobby look less crazy by comparison.

“Honey, remember when you bought that $500 set of golf clubs you’ve used twice? This Bible is like that, but with less frustration and lower risk of getting hit by lightning.”

“Darling, recall that vintage wine you bought that tastes like vinegar? This Bible is aged to perfection, and it won’t give you a hangover!”

“Sweetie, think about your collection of rare Beanie Babies. This Bible is basically the same thing, but with actual historical value and fewer googly eyes.”

4. Invoke the Spirit of Marie Kondo

Time to get all declutter-guru on this situation.

“Does it spark joy? You bet your sweet family tree it does! It’s sparking so much joy, our ancestors are doing the Macarena in their graves!”

“Imagine the joy on our faces as we squint at illegible handwriting for hours!”

“Think of the joy we’ll feel knowing we own a book older than sliced bread. Literally.”

“The joy of finally knowing if great-great-aunt Gertrude really did run away with the circus? Priceless.”

5. Use Reverse Psychology

Sometimes, you’ve got to play mind games. It’s for the greater good of genealogy.

“You’re right, dear. We shouldn’t buy it. I’m sure our kids won’t mind explaining to their kids why we passed on this priceless piece of family history. No biggie.”

“I guess we’ll just have to tell our descendants that we had the chance to own a family heirloom, but we decided Netflix was more important.”

“It’s fine. I’m sure there will be plenty more 200-year-old family Bibles popping up on eBay. They’re probably as common as fidget spinners.”

6. Promise to Give Up (Insert Annoying Habit Here)

Bargaining: it’s not just for the five stages of grief anymore!

“If we get this Bible, I solemnly swear to stop leaving my socks on the floor/singing in the shower/talking about my fantasy football team.” (Fingers crossed behind your back, of course.)

“I promise to limit my genealogy ramblings to just three hours a day. Okay, four. Five, tops.”

“I’ll even throw in a bonus – I’ll stop trying to figure out how we’re related to Kevin Bacon.”

7. Claim It’s an Investment

Time to channel your inner Wolf of Wall Street (but with less crime and more, you know, Bibles).

“In 50 years, this thing could be worth dozens of dollars! We’d be fools not to buy it!”

“It’s like Bitcoin, but you can actually hold it in your hands and it smells like old people!”

“Think of it as our retirement plan. Who needs a 401(k) when you’ve got 200 years of family history?”

“We’re not spending money, we’re investing in our past! And possibly our future, if time travel ever becomes a thing.”

8. Appeal to Their Competitive Side

Nothing like a little neighborly competition to get the blood pumping and the credit card swiping.

“The Johnsons next door just got a family heirloom from the 1900s. Do you really want to let them win?”

“I heard the Smiths talking about tracing their family back five generations. With this Bible, we could go back six. Take that, Smiths!”

“Imagine the look on your sister’s face when we casually mention our two-century-old family Bible at Thanksgiving dinner.”

9. Suggest It as a Unique Decorative Piece

Who needs modern art when you’ve got ancient scripture?

“Just picture it on our coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter! ‘Oh, that old thing? Just our 200-year-old family Bible. No big deal.'”

“It’s like shabby chic, but with more ‘thy’ and ‘thou’ and less Pinterest.”

“We could start a whole new interior design trend. I’m thinking ‘Ancestral Chic’ or ‘Genealogy Gothic.'”

“It’s not hoarding if it’s antique. It’s collecting!”

10. When All Else Fails, Resort to Dramatics

Time to put those high school drama classes to good use.

Fall to your knees. Clutch your heart. Whisper dramatically, “But… but… it’s my heritage!”

“Without this Bible, how will I ever know if I’m distantly related to royalty? My potential crown, lost forever!”

“If we don’t buy this, I’ll be forced to change my name to John Doe and pretend I sprouted fully formed from the earth.”

“Every night, I’ll cry myself to sleep, haunted by the ghosts of ancestors past, asking why I forsook them for fiscal responsibility.”

If these fail, well, there’s always the tried-and-true method of buying it anyway and hoping they don’t check the credit card statement. (Disclaimer: We do not actually recommend this approach. We like you and want you to stay married. Plus, the couch isn’t nearly as comfortable as it looks.)

Happy Bidding

Look, at the end of the day, we all know this 200-year-old family Bible is about as necessary as a fish bicycle. But isn’t that the beauty of family history? It’s not about need. It’s about want. The want to connect, to discover, to own a piece of the past that doesn’t smell like mothballs (okay, it probably does).

So whether you succeed in your spousal convincing quest or not, remember this: You’re part of a special breed. A tribe of time travelers armed with census records and a concerning knowledge of 19th-century diseases. Wear that badge with pride.

And who knows? Maybe one day, 200 years from now, your own descendants will be arguing over whether to buy your vintage iPhone on whatever eBay has evolved into. (“But honey, it’s got great-great-grandpa’s duck face selfies on it!”)

So bid on, you crazy diamond. Bid on. Because in the grand tapestry of family history, sometimes the most brilliant threads are the ones that seem a little… well, off the wall.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got an auction to win and a spouse to sweet-talk. Wish me luck. I’m gonna need it.

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Comments

  1. This was hilarious! And SO me and my spouse. He never sees the use for anything genealogy related. (no pun intended…maybe) Sometimes, lots of times I just buy what I want and he never sees it come into the house. (I have my ways…) If it’s too big, I tell him it’s my birthday, Christmas present, anniversary gift to myself. Sometimes he “buys it” sometimes I get that sideways glance. Thanks again for the best chuckle of the day. I’ve got to send this on to some of my genealogy friends who think like us.

    Reply
  2. This is wonderful – hilarious, partly true, and totally off-the-wall. Love what and how you write your creative missives! THANK YOU . . .

    Reply
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