Dear Santa: A Genealogist’s Christmas Wish List (Including That One Elusive Death Certificate We’ve Been Hunting for Three Years)

Marc McDermott
First Published:

Look, Santa, I know you’re busy. And yes, I’m aware that writing this letter at 11:47 PM on December 19th isn’t exactly prime timing.

But hear me out.

While other people are asking for Playstation 5s and luxury handbags, I just want access to that one courthouse basement that’s been “closed for renovations” since 2012.

That’s reasonable, right?

And since we’re talking about reasonable requests, I’ve got a few more that might interest you. 19 in fact…

And no, it’s not another mug with a family tree on it. Though I wouldn’t say no to one that’s big enough to hold the amount of coffee needed for late-night research sessions.

1. A Functioning Time Machine (Or Just Working Microfilm Readers)

Let’s be honest – the microfilm reader at our local library has been temperamental since the Bush administration.

The first Bush.

I’d settle for a time machine, though. Just a quick trip back to 1875 to ask great-great-grandma Sarah why she listed three different birthplaces on three different censuses.

That’s all I need.

2. DNA Matches Who Actually Respond to Messages

Santa, if you could sprinkle some “reply to your messages” dust on my 2nd-4th cousins, that would be great.

I’ve written more unanswered messages than a desperate ex. All I want to know is if they have any photos of our shared great-grandparents.

I promise to stop sending follow-up messages every three months.

3. A Subscription to Every Genealogy Website Ever Created

My credit card company thinks I’ve been hacked because of all the different genealogy subscriptions.

They don’t understand that yes, I did need to subscribe to that obscure Polish records website at 3 AM.

It had one record. One. But it was THE record.

4. That Death Certificate from 1922

You know the one, Santa. We all have that ONE document that’s become our white whale.

Mine happens to be great-uncle Herbert’s death certificate. The family swears he died in Cincinnati. The Cincinnati records office swears he didn’t.

Someone’s lying, and I need answers.

5. A Universal Translation Tool That Actually Works

I’ve gotten really good at recognizing the words for “birth,” “death,” and “illegitimate” in 12 different languages.

But I’d love to understand the rest of the words too.

Google Translate thinks that 19th-century German handwriting is a modern art piece.

6. Archive-Quality Storage Materials That Don’t Require a Second Mortgage

Why does proper preservation cost so much? I’ve spent more on acid-free boxes than I did on my first car.

The photos deserve better than being stored in that shoebox from 1985, but my wallet deserves better than this financial abuse.

7. A Family Tree Software That Can Handle Drama

Current software can track marriages, births, and deaths.

But where’s the field for “moved to Kansas after the cheese factory scandal of 1891”?

Or “changed name because of an argument over a cow”?

These are the details that matter.

8. Digital Copies of Every Cemetery Photo Ever Taken

Including the ones from that guy who photographed every headstone in the county in 1965, then stored the photos in his garage until they fused together.

Yes, those specific ones. I know they exist somewhere.

9. A Time-Turner for Library Research

Just like Hermione’s, but for genealogy. Because five hours in the research library feels like five minutes, and they always close right when you’re about to discover something amazing.

Every. Single. Time.

10. DNA Matches Who Share Their Family Trees

No, not those “private” trees.

Not those trees with just three people in them.

Real trees. With sources. And dates. And locations. I’m not asking for much here, Santa.

11. The Ability to Read Old Handwriting

Specifically that doctor’s handwriting from the 1845 death record. And whatever font that census taker was using in 1880.

Was that a ‘P’ or a particularly ambitious ‘B’?

The world may never know.

12. A “Find All” Button That Actually Works

One that finds every record for my ancestor, but none for that other person with the exact same name who lived in the same town at the same time.

Is that too much to ask? Probably.

13. A Magic Wand That Fixes Indexing Errors

We need to talk about indexing errors, Santa. I’ve seen “Smith” transcribed as “Smythe,” “Smithe,” “Smitt,” and once, memorably, as “Snuff.”

I’m not even working on Smith families. These are just the errors I’ve found while looking for completely different surnames.

14. A Time-Traveling Photographer

Someone who could go back and take photos of every ancestor. Especially the ones who somehow managed to dodge every camera during their entire lifetime.

Yes, Great-Grandmother Eleanor, I’m looking at you. How did you live from 1850 to 1932 and leave behind zero photographs?

15. A Universal Records Access Pass

One pass that gets you into every archive, courthouse, and historical society.

No more explaining to security guards why you need to see tax records from 1834. No more “members only” restrictions.

16. A “What Really Happened” Detector

For sorting out family legends. Did great-aunt Mabel really run away with the circus?

Was there actually a family fortune lost in the Civil War?

We need answers, Santa.

17. An Ancestor’s Personal Journal Finding Service

Specifically journals that explain their life choices. Like why they moved across the country right before the census was taken.

Every. Single. Time.

18. A “Name Standardization” Tool

Something that understands that Elizabeth, Lizzy, Beth, Betsy, Eliza, and “that woman who married John” are all the same person.

Bonus if it can handle phonetic spellings in multiple languages.

19. Eternal Library Hours

A library that never closes. One with all the records, all the books, and all the microfilm.

And coffee. Definitely coffee.

Look, Santa…

Look, Santa, I know this is a lot. But I’ve been exceptionally good this year.

I only rolled my eyes twice when someone added Christopher Columbus as their direct ancestor.

I didn’t say a word when my cousin insisted her great-great-grandmother was a Cherokee princess (who somehow lived in Norway).

I even managed to stay quiet when someone merged three different Thomas Smiths into one super-Thomas who was apparently married to six women simultaneously.

If you can’t manage all of these, I’d settle for just the death certificate. Or maybe a subscription to that new Swedish database.

Or both? Both would be good.

Desperately yours,
A Genealogist Who’s This Close to Cracking That Brick Wall

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Comments

  1. We need a number 20. The one every genealogist researching the United States wants for every Christmas since they started searching. The 1890 Census or a time machine to go back and prevent the fire.
    Oh, yes, another time machine to go back and save all the records that were burned in the Civil War.
    I’d like a friendly clerk at every courthouse or wherever I need information from that is willing to find what I need instead of deciding it’s too much work and just tells me, “It isn’t there.”
    I guess that’s more than enough for poor old Santa. I’m sure there are more.

    Reply
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